Web 4.2
27/sep/ 03
OPEN - BLANK SCREEN
SF - MOOR WINDS
FADE UP
1 EXT. MOORS - COLD AND RAINY DAY - DAYTIME
- EXTREME LONG SHOT
A low horizon. Two men, Paul and Jim are
arguing. They are in the far distance; we cannot hear what the argument's about
but it seems serious. We just hear the moor winds. As they argue a hubcap UFO
hovers slowly over, unseen by either of the men.
SFX - UFO FLING OVER
As Paul points twice, then waves apart his
hands. The UFO plays music tones in response but the men still don't see or
hear it, so deep in argument. After a few moments of trying to get their
attention, by doing flying tricks, to no avail, the UFO hovers off, looking
sad.
CUT TO
VIDEO ZOOM IN (GRAINY) - As the argument ends
we see Paul, storms off, while Jim remains standing.
2 EXT. MOORS - HEADING TOWARDS A CAR -
DAYTIME
We follow Paul to his car. He is very
upset. He gets in and slams the door.
3 INT. CAR BACK SEAT - DAYTIME
We look out from the back window of the
car. As we drive away we see Jim standing on the moor, he throws back his head
and drinks from a whiskey flask, he is left behind. Loud rock music starts from
the CD player.
CUT TO
TITLE SEQUENCE
Music continues to play - White on black
titles.
'Setting Sail in a
Bathtub.'
Screen play by Joe Ogden.
FADE UP
4 EXT. MOORS - DAYTIME
It's the end of a mini-SF video epic 'green
invasion' - Paul stands, looks out into sky, he is the hero. He is wearing a
strange hat (a cut open football covered in tin foil.)
(Bravely
acted, reading off queue cards, which show from time to time in the corner of
shoot.) ...I may have-of fought hand to hand with the Aliens but it was you
professor YOU with your invention of 'magnetic radiation' that killed them in
the end.
5 SFX. (BLUE SCREENED) FIELD - DAYTIME
Jim wears a white open lab coat, blue
T-shirt and silver sprayed swimming goggles. He seems to be out of place
standing in the middle of a field of cows, that are not there to him, because
of the blue screening. We can see the cows in the background, one seems to walk
across his chest. Drunk, Jim sways a bit.
Yes 'magnetic
radiation'...(Cut)
4A EXT. MOORS - DAYTIME
Paul’s last speech, poorly cut.
Paul
(Audio
'peek')...f 'magnetic radiation' that killed them in the end... (Cut).
5A SFX. (BLUE SCREENED) FIELD - DAYTIME
Jim's last speech, same as before, poorly
dubbed.
Jim
Yes 'magnetic
radiation' (jump cut) may have killed the aliens in the end but was it
not you that fought head to head, hand! And don't hardly get scratched and saved the world and won the
girl, Liz there with you - The Girl I once loved from afar but now she belongs
to you the better...? (jump cut) I hope I will be your best man at the
wedding (Bad smile).
4B EXT. MOORS - DAYTIME
Paul pulls Liz into shot, by her bad arm.
She is clearly not happy with the video crew, her arm is in a bandage. Paul
kisses her. She wipes her mouth and holds her bad arm, which is now hurting.
The ‘kiss’ wasn't in her script. She looks off for support of this fact.
Paul
Yes I've had
enough fun, excitement and action in my life. So now it's time to stop all that
and get married and give birth to new children, animals and sheep for the farm,
and someday a BMW.
Paul and Liz look up into the sky. Jim
walks into shot, he cannot see a thing because of the silver swimming goggles
and bumps into them both, then looks into the sky in the wrong direction.
Freeze frame, fades to brown and end titles scrolling fast.
6a FAST-FORWARD THROUGH ADDS
Three adverts fast forward. (We’ll see
at the end of the film.)
6b PROGRAMME INTRODUCTION GRAPHICS
The next programme starts, music and
images. (Sung) ‘Paine in the Arts - Paine in the Arts.’ This a
documentary programme about the arts and media.
(Nasally)
Allan Paine. This week in Paine in the arts, the work of the film distribution
agent.
Long pause before cut, Paine stays still,
then is about to speak; cut.
7 INT. A FILM AGENTS OFFICE - DAYTIME
This is filmed as a documentary hand held
style. Brian is at his desk. He is being interviewed. He has just been asked a
question.
Brian
Sure, we get
them, strange ones - the guy you filmed the other day, Oh boy I thought it was
a set up, a joke, a wind up, a send up...(goes on.)
Paine
(Voice
over.) Brian is a film distribution agent, which means he distribute films
to his clients throughout the UK and England.
Brian
...I thought,
Hey the limey got me real good here...(fade).
8 INT. FILM AGENTS OFFICE - A FEW DAYS
SOONER THEN SCENE 7
Paine
(Voice over) Paul
was looking for a distributor for his film, “Green Invasion.”
There is a video player and TV showing the
end titles of 'green invasion'. Brian the film agent can’t keep a straight
face; he is not sure what to say. Paul cannot see anything funny at all.
Brian
Is this for
real? What were the guys in green doing?
Paul
Those were
human cross alien zombies. Humans captured by the UFO's are slowly turned into
zombies and made to do the aliens work. The aliens need to stop free thinkers
and artists, yeah? At the end of the day, they make artists and free thinkers
work as slaves in supermarkets or burger bars, stuff like that.
Brian
Tricky, we
get a lot of sponsorship from those outlets. (Looks at the film crew) Is
this a set up? (Crew ‘No’.) No? Okay?(Looks back to Paul) Er What
was the budget?
Paul
Nothing! I
wrote the script, my mate Jim, ex mate, fallen out with him since he started
working at the co-op. Well he videoed it, and acted in it, and edited the
footage, but it was my camera. Yeah the girl Liz, was played by my girlfriend,
sort of, Liz.
Brian
(Smiling
to almost laughing.) You mean the script was written like that? The girl,
Liz, was your girlfriend, Liz?
Paul
Sort of...
Brian
Sort of...
I’m just going to make a note of that, girl friend - sort of. And your friend,
who, you don't like any more, filmed it? (Writing this down) Good
friend, was he? (Seeing Paul's increasing anger.) Yes, well, very funny,
sure? A hoot. (Writing this down, shows Paul pad.) A hoot, see.
Paul
(Firmly)It's
not meant to be funny.
Brian
Pol, can I
call you Pol?
Paul
No.
Brian
'Pol', this
film isn't for us. If we put our name to this piece of (Looking at film crew,)
- work. What do you think our reputation’s gonna be?
Paul
Good?
Brian
NO. - Pol
this is a piece of crap - funny yes, but its just a crap video, crap actors,
crap camera, you and your – ‘mates’, here are just having fun, do you see where
I'm coming from?
Paul
(Angry)
It's my future! It’s not meant to be laughed at, it’s not funny, it's film
noir.
Brian
No this is
film no-where, okay.
Paul
(The crew
like that and snigger.) Oh yes, you Laugh! Jim said it wasn't ready, then
slept with my Liz, to get at me! The others treated the film, and me as a joke.
But this is my future! (Pause) I'm in so much debt; I've got three years
to make it as a 'film maker'! or (pause) or I end up stacking shelves. I
just wanted to show them!(Pause) It's my first bloody film!
Brian
(Pause, No
more laughter. He removes the tape, slow.) Well-done for your first film -
I mean that, but you hold it, this anger. Is anger driving you? Yes, No, Maybe?
Well its not art, there’s something twisting you, in there. And who the hell is
going to know this is your FIRST film? (Holding out the tape.)
Paul
(Pause,
seeing what others see for one moment then returns to him, whips his head up.)
Yeah, well just give me the tape! (To the film crew.) Stop filming (Tries
to leave the room.) STOP FILMING! (They blur his face.)
Brian
(Yelling)
Hey Kid, if I were you I’d better think about how to start filming, you're at
the beginning, the beginning of a race, don't be so eager to get off to a false
start. Next time make sure it’s a ship and not a bathtub you set sail in. And
if; and I mean IF, you end up stacking shelves at the local five and dim, then
what god given right do you 'n your mates have to call yourselves 'film
makers'? That’s the closet, That’s the door there, Now 'get lost'; get out
there; Go make films, get one right and maybe we'll talk.
9 INT. PROFESSORS INVENTION LAB - NIGHT
From the film 'Green Invasion'. Jim is in a
room full of junk, looking like a house garage. He wears a white lab coat and
them silver swimming goggles. His work is on a bench, a florescent purple tube,
lit.
Jim
(Madness,
the actor seems a little drunk. To camera.) I've done it I've made it, the
world is saved. Now I need a hero who can use it, And Liz might see me now as a
man and love me! (He turns to the bench and leans on it, thinking about the woman,
he’s getting upset.) I love her but she hurt me, but I still love her, so
much, I - I cant...(Jump cut, he has moved, and getting over upset) now
I need to charge up the 'Magnetic radiation' Ray gun.
He Presses a switch. We see a blue flash
and one or two frames of him being throw off with an electric shock. Jump Cut -
He as moved again and looks somewhat shaky - a Ray Gun as now appeared on the
bench that looks to all the world like two toilet roll centres glued together,
wood and 'Milliput' for a handle, sprayed gold. Jim is still juddering and
starts line with 'but' the sound comes back on.
.. ut it
can’t harm real humans. (‘Sighs’ picks up the gun, next words dubbed.)
Is it ready to release on the world? (dubbed over) ‘What the F*** is
this, Paul.’ (He picks up the gun lamely. It shoots.)
SFX. Rays shooting out of gun.
10 INT. BEDROOM ROOM - DAWN
She is sat up smoking in bed, staring
forward. She is not alone. She takes the cigarette and hovers it over her
wrist.
11 INT. A CELLAR BAR - NIGHT
Four CCTV black and white images in the
screen. Top Left: Jim sits at a table of empty glasses. He's upset and drunk.
Top Right: Liz walks down stairs with an over sized bag. Bottom right: Over bar
Liz orders a drink. The last monitor is on the blink.
12 INT. A CELLAR BAR - NIGHT
Liz walks over to Jim and tries to find a
place to put her drink down, some green concoction. The glasses are moved
around to make room. As Jim is drunk this takes a few moments to sort.
CUT TO
Top shot of glasses being moved around.
CUT TO
Liz
Checkmate in two
moves. (Pause and sits) How's the line learning going for the
re-filming?
Jim
(Drunk.)
What? ... oh, not going it to do it. We're better, I'm better, I'm an artist,
I'm - pissed Liz. Well? Liz you should some- some ov the technical problems we,
I had to solve. What is he playing at?
Liz
Don't Know? You didn't like my acting, then?
Jim
(Blows) What?
Paul thinks I hated the film, absolute 'send up', yeah. I don't hate him, he
takes - taken the all jokes out and the dark ending, the whole point was that
the zombies were meant to win. Humans have no future. Paul was always going on
about you, Liz this, Liz that, why did she dump me! She'd better not be seeing
anybody, every min-moment. I say SHUT UP she's been had by everybody - you
haven't of course, but it shut him up.
Liz
Who says I haven’t,
(drinks and Smiles) Oh don't get so up tight, he was upset after you and
me,... And you shouldn't wind him up. But was I any good, yeah? Hey?
Jim
Yes - (Smiles)I
know he was wound up.
Liz
Ha, Ha, not
funny, why don't you just let Paul go and re-shoot the film, show it at the
festival? He's told you he'll keep your name out of it. So why are you trying
to stop him? Act for him.
Jim
I'm not, and I don't
want to. Doesn't any bod' see what I'm trying to do for HIM. Any whoever bod’,
(drinks)is never going to want to see another thing he makes, they won't
be seeing the best film he is able to do, Granted 'fun' film, not art.
We're artists - us.
And YOU can go with WHO - WHOM ever - want go with who, me. Angry always to...
him angry. Oh god, women all (loudly) bloody green zombie mutants form
outer space, bloody space zombies, Zombie bloody - god I'm ill, (He looks at
Liz) Save me from the monsters.
They look at each other. Jim goes to kiss
Liz, but she pushes away from him.
Liz
No!(Pause) I can't
love you, or him. Its always sex with you, I don't need it! Neither of you know
me, neither of you really want me.(See Jim looking sad.) You deserve
love, not me. You just don't see what's going on around you. Do you? Do YOU!
There are bad energies when people do we did...(pause) I was here to set
up a meeting, that’s all, Ok? No, NO more filming? Is that your last answer?
Jim
I love you, Liz,
you're cold. You’re now fed up hurting yourself; ya gotta hurt the people who
love you? You think you got to be places, do stuff, save the world but its just
in you're bloody head. I’m sick of films; I’m bloody good at store work.
Liz
Yeah, I’m cold, what
do you know of love or pain, you're a coward. You hide behind drink. You'll
settle for anything. You think you want me but don't. And I'll just end up not
wanting to see you. I know what I am like, you'll become a duty and I don't want
that hassle.
Jim
(Fane Saluté)
Duty Sir! You can just march off and do your own, little jobs then, dismissed.
I AM ME! Real-real GET IT!
Liz
Well, thank-you. There's Paul too, wants to make films so bad,
he cant tell fantasy from reality. I know what’s real, when I feel pain, its
real,(Shows him the burns on her wrists.) I'M ALIVE. I’m here, I’m real
- I’m going, just seen a couple of 'little' jobs, that need doing, bye loser. (She
pulls out a homemade crossbow and leaves.)
Jim gets up to follow her up but falls on
the floor.
CUT TO
Top shot, Jim holding onto the floor. He
turns over on to his back.
Jim
(voice over) I'm sorry; I’m sorry and I know you feel too
much. (Closes his eyes.) How sad the human heart that once did love each
other so, to part that night in such great sorrow.
Jim holds out his arms and his hand are
staring to turn green.
13 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT
Liz goes to the bar; behind it are two
green zombie bar tenders. She pulls up the crossbow and shoots them both with
bolts. They fade away. She looks back, sees Jim, shakes her head and loads
another bolt into the crossbow and aims it at him.
14 INT. LIZ'S CAR - DRIVING UP TO THE MOORS
- DAYTIME
Liz's driving her car up onto the moor’s
road and pulls up in front of Paul’s car.
15 EXT. MOORS - DAYTIME - LONG SHOT
Paul stands by his car. Liz gets out of her
car. He walks over to her tries to hug her she pushes him away. Liz tells him
something then she leans against her car with crossbow in hand. Paul walks back
to his car and hits the frame with his fist, and badly hurts himself. So bad he
rolls on the floor in pain, Liz runs across to look at what he's done. From
behind the camera, each side, towards the cars walk three green zombie sheep
farmers. Liz and Paul both stop, Liz aims at the zombies with the crossbow.
Paul hides behind her.
FADE to Credits and the three adverts are
shown.
The End.