Adapted for performance
By Joseph Ogden.
Scene as the audience
enters. LX Mood lighting on a sparsely furnished room. Exits to the right
and left. ‘air’ window left. High-backed chair is set in the middle of the
room, next to a table. A stand lamp holding a ‘bare’ red lamp bulb set UR.
Small broom set UL. Three non-matching chairs behind the table, two with
jackets over the back of them. Set on the table is an old newspaper, a rule,
string, a sharpened knitting needle for making holes on paper, a mug of tea and
a pie. On the floor are some old newspapers and laundry, including a pair of
underpants, women’s knickers and a shirt.
SFX Music from ten minuets before show up, Mumbo No. 5.
Repeated over and over. With computer game.
Audience settles, LX
DBO. SFX Music simple piano chords five seconds till following sounds,
as Mat walks into scene in blackout and sits in high-backed chair, next to the
table. LX Slow fade up. SFX stating with coughing and the road
drill. LX Light up to working level, Actor with head on arms, covers
ears. Mat looks up hitting table LX lights down. Time passes SFX sound
dies down.
LX lights up. Actor playing brother-in-law
now starts to bray on door. Mat go to door. Brother-in-law carries on braying
on a door. Mat lets in brother-in-law, who rushers in passed Mat, dumps papers
on table, dumps his Jacket on the floor, examines Mats face, then points to the
other exit, Mat nods, brother-in-law picks up the papers and rushers out. Mat
replaces the broom, picks up the Jacket and puts it over the third chair and
returns to his seat.
SFX
sound stay on low in back ground. Mat washes rest of pie down with drink. Turns to face audience and pick up mug of
tea.
Mat Day: Sunday afternoon and I'm
feeling hung over. Last night a bit of a blur. - See this mug of tea? (Holds
up mug) Well, that's my nurse - a nurse with the sweetest, (sips)
hottest,(sips) breath (takes
gulp, ”Ah”) I've been trying to read something
(holds
up square of newspaper) but there's someone watching a TV. (cups ear and
lays his head on the table. Pause to listen.)
SFX muffled voices of actors.
I can hear muffled voices of
actors and… (cups ear other ear and lays head on table facing the other
way.) Someone’s been coughing up,
since five this morning.
SFX muffled coughing.
(Gets up and walks to cyc
wall.) Over on this side. (Cups ear) There's another flat where someone's
been playing a Nintendo game - none stop for three weeks – That’s it (hums
tune) Same bloody thing, over and over again. (Hums tune again then)
SFX hoovering, that seems to
chase mat.
Hoovering - upstairs, (tries
to run away Drops to floor) And wait for it – wait…
I know it!
SFX Engine revs.
(Looks of
‘air’ window)
And what with ‘Dick-Tit’ fitter out there.
SFX all sounds rise again.
Mat recoils and start to cower under table.
SFX All Sounds from intro increase.
Holds his head for some moments. Then he
jumps up, runs to back, bangs on wall, then to table.
Mat Day: Turn that telly down, now.
(Runs to right, bangs on wall) Give up coughing won't you. S`hut that din up! Anytime pal - up yours too! (Shuts window quickly.)
Mat goes back
to chair
Mat Day: If he
does come up - I’ll just say it was - the brother-in-law that said that. – He
knows how to handle himself. (Picks up mug, gulps – Starts tearing paper into squares.) Too
right.
If I could just find some
ear plugs... (Searches room, finds a bottle of Aspirins, pulls out cotton
wool and puts them in his ears. SFX low rumble. Shouting) NOW THE
SOUNDS ARE WORSE, I CAN HEAR THE TEA AS IT RUNS THOUGH MY GUTS (looks down at
belly in horror) NOW I CAN HEAR MY TEETH CLANK TOGETHER (demonstrates)
AND THERE’S A BUZZING FILLING MY HEAD. (Gets up and walks around.) IT’S
MY BLOOD MARCHING ABOUT MY EARS. (LX Special light. SFX Heart
beat getting faster and louder over next.) IT FEELS LIKE I’M UNDER WATER –
I’M SO DEEP INSIDE – IT’S SO DARK – I’M SO DEEP, CAN’T BREATHE… IT’S LIKE I’M
DROWING IN MY OWN FILTH - THERE’S NO LIGHT. (Pulls his hat over his eyes.)
I CAN’T SEE!!…
Mat Day: …Or it's too bright (Looks at bulb on stand lamp. Stands up.)
I really do need to get a shade for that thing. (Goes over to bare bulb)
it's obscene, there's something rude about it (Stares at bulb then searches
round finds underpants, sniffs, wrinkles nose in disgust, puts underpants over
bulb, shrugs) better?
Pause.
If I could just find a place
to be in - if there was a room where I could get some peace; a piece of quiet;
the sound of silent. (Thinks, idea, dismisses it).
Pause.
Mi brother-in-law hasn't
crapped for a week. He gets like that a lot, lately. Me; I have a crap at lest
once a day, sometimes twice. All I have to do is drink a cup of tea, have a smoke (rude thought) OR think
about my naked girlfriend having a
bath. (Surprised, thinking) It’s odd that should works – I mean,
I don’t even have a girlfriend.
Well he goes to work before
six in the morning and gets home at eight in the evening. Works out twice a
week; and does Thai boxing (demonstrates.) And when he gets any time
off; say at the weekend, she, his wife, my sister, has it all planned. Like
this.
Goes to set up the chairs,
into car. Two chairs in front, two chairs behind, a pair knickers placed on
front right chair with woman’s cardigan on the back of the chair, left chair
boxer shorts with brother-in-law’s Jacket on the back of the chair. Two chairs
behind just with jackets on the back of the chairs.
Has soon as he walks in the
door she's nagging him about his mother. (Improvisation as sister; nagging
about mother, as she follows ‘air’ brother-in-law across stage into kitchen -
lowering voice – then back into room.) about his job (ditto; about Job),
his dirty laundry (Ditto; about laundry – takes under pants off lamp.) She
has him taking the kids all over the place. (as kid1) dad, dad I want a
wee. (as kid2) I want some sweets. (as Brother-in-law) Bloody
shut up and get in the car. Just get in the car woman. (Uses the jacket
sleeves, on the back of the chairs to show kids fighting, then sits down in
front. SFX Visual cue, car starting and
driving. Turns to look behind at
the kids.) just shut up! (Turns to on wife.) Stop your nagging! Shut
up in the back STOP IT, Shut up. I’ve
had enough! (Looks front to see the crash coming, jumps on breaks. SFX 'watch out!' Sound of car crashing. LX
special. Kicks over the chairs and runs out the exit. Leaving us to
see the crash. Pause.)
(Walks back in with mug of
tea. LX fade up.) They were a bit shuck up but now there okay. (Starts to pick
up chairs.)
The rest of the time he
spends in his bathroom. Thing is, he spent so much time on the pot, he's only
gone and cracked it and So he comes round here now and all I can hear and when
it's not car radio, or Nintendo man, or coughing,
it’s the sound of him
groaning in the shitter!
Brother-in-law: (‘groans’) Movement.
Mat Day: Time for another dose of
leaf.
Pause.
It was a
crazy night last night; it's all coming back to me now. Got pissed with mad
Pete, haven't seen him in ages. They've cut his benefits off, you see. They say
he's not entitled to them anymore. He's a ‘recovering’ alcoholic - used to be a
good number, got disability allowance, rent paid for, travel pass. The best bit
though, is that he used to get beer allowance.
You see, if you were an alcy; then, they would give you free booze - But
they're cutting back on everything now. (Looks at squares of paper, walks over to the toilet
door.) Got something for you! (Pause) Not it’s a pot of coffee. (Turns to audience) Need a
bit of lubrication, ‘in there’? (Pause.) Well you’ll need this. (Door opens hand comes out
feels around finds paper and takes it, door closes.) Don't
half feel sorry for him, (walks into kitchen, sounds for making a drink, and shouts.) I mean
this is no palace - don't get me wrong but at least I can satisfy my urges, (head out of kitchen) relieve
myself when ever I need to.
Walks back to chair.
Anyway,
Mad Pete got this back payment. So he was out on the razz. He figured he owed
me a few, (Laughs) ‘a few’?
Well I wasn't arguing. We ended up in the Goose and Cucumber. There was a
“disco - late licence - till one.” Pete
was really out of it, we both were. I really love getting so bollocksed you
don't know what you're doing, yeah? I must have got into a fight or something.
Just look at my shirt.
It's funny
with Pete - he has one pint and he's out of it straight away, but then he stays
like that all night, doesn't matter how many he's had. He was standing on the
tables last night, dancing with the chairs. Ended up back at his flat –
staggered back. He had a bag of weed that needed smoking – that was on top of
all that beer (makes
queasy expression) well we'd run out of cigs. So we smoked it neat (falls back onto floor.) I was
seeing double.
The
tellies were on and I couldn't decide which one to watch. I was bursting for
the ‘slash’ so I… (Stops
to think. Dark thoughts, shudders. ) Oh no - so I pissed behind
Pete's sofa – if he say anything (loud whisper.) I'll blame it on the cat. Must
remember buy Pete a cat. (Gets up and walks into kitchen. Makes coffee. Shouts) I don't
half feel bad about it though. Sometimes... (Walks back in.) Sometimes I disgust
myself. (Walks
over to toilet door). You all right in there? Got you a coffee.
Brother-in-law: (‘groans’ Hand comes out and takes
coffee.)
He's still
breathing. Who am I talking too? No one, why? (Or “I’ve got a captive audience
out here.” or “ Oh your typical studio audience; I’m taking both of them!” or
“I’ve got an audience – how do I know – I can hear them breathing.”) No, you’re only mad if you talk to yourself
and answer yourself. Isn’t that right – yes it is, oh? Hey, have you finished with that paper -
Come on let me have it I'll do you a swap... (Runs to pick up newspapers on floor then back
to door.) It’s the Sunday Sport, it’ll help you while away five
minutes, well, alright two. (Swap newspapers.) What do you mean I look like Fu Man Chu (indicates housecoat.) Never
mind Fu Man Chu. Fu Man say ‘Fu’ off Ar-so.
Puts paper on table and
walks to window.
I've hardly had any rest.
First thing this morning I was woken; not by the sound of tweeting of little
birds, but by the sweet sounds of the council pneumatic road drills. Same every
week. Drilling the roads on a Sunday morning. Which evil bastards behind that
then. And what with him coughing it's bloody inhuman! (Thinking, looks at
his shirt again.) Bloody? Mi shirt’s all bloody.
(looks at paper) It's
Sunday the first of May. Hum? I might have a walk in a bit, clear my head of
all the dead drinks and stubbed out cigarette ends. Nice blue sky, (looking
out the window looking) between the tower blocks and abattoir. (looks
down out of window.) There's daffodils growing out of the cracks in the
pavements. Least I think they're daffodils. - It's hard to tell when you're
four floors up. They might be little heaps of diced carrots from last night -
flower display.
But you can't beat spring,
it's like the world's waking up, from after a long nap. Soon as spring comes
there's a wind beneath your feet, sunshine on your back, that seeps into your
skin, you're light on your heels, whistling a happy. Tune, Warming up the
blood, getting it flowing. – well it gives me the horn.
Neighbour: (Knocks at front door.)
If that's her from next door
again accusing me of nicking her washing I'll... (Looks at housecoat, panics
hide any underwear.) Shit! I've got her housecoat on... (Hides behind
door)
Neighbour: (Hammers on door.)
SFX mobile phone ringing, over
next, stops, then rings again until picked up.
Mat does not move.
Neighbour: (Hammers on door)
Mat
Day: (Still
on the floor looks for the ringing. Business then finds the phone.) Hello - who? Hullo Sis.
Yes, yes; what do you want? No. No he's
not, I swear, I've not seen him, I'd let you in if you came round you know I
would but - I'm - I’m in the bath What? Yes all day, sometimes. Yes I’d be in
the bath at that time. What? WHY do I have his phone, oh eh…? (He knocks on table.) Is that someone
at the door. Yes, yes Got to go, got to go, got to go, bye, bye Sis. (Shut
down phone)My sister, that's all I need. She's got a voice like a car
crash. (Walks over to toilet hiding behind chair) That was close eh?
Brother-in-law: ‘groan’
Mat Day: To be honest with you, I think it's a bit of
an excuse - gets him out of the house, away from all that nagging. Thank god
she lives miles away.
You see the thing is, my next
door neighbour, well the washing line is only an arm's length away. All I have
to do is stand on the balcony and reach over. To tell you the truth it's handy
for all sorts of stuff. Ran out of milk - sneak in there for some. She's got it
looking nice - not my style, it’s a bit cluttered, I like bare spaces but it
must be cosy ‘n warm looking. Last week I swiped a few rounds of bread for my
breakfast. It's not all bad having neighbours, they do come in handy from time
to time.
But she called me a pervert
the other day. All I said was she had a shapely figure - which I thought I was
paying her a compliment. - Anyway, I didn't pinch ‘all’ her bloody underwear. (Thinking)
I bet it’s him on the other side. He’s the pervert, - I once saw him watching
the single mother, in the block of flats, across the way - third floor, second
window from the right. He watched as she undressed in front of the window and
started touching herself (Blows through lips.) – bloody pervert, he is!
What would I want with
women's underwear? (Looks at knickers and bras, tries to hide them.)
Unless they came in the pockets of other things I swiped. This? - This I only
got this for lazing about the flat. You don't always want to wear clothes but
it's too chilly in here to go stark buff. I bet she thinks she's got a ghost. I
don't believe in all that. I've solved the mystery of unknown forces removing
objects – it aren’t poltergeists, - just opportunity knocks with the
neighbours. Well. (Thinking.)
LX disco lights start, the
toilet lights up
It
was heaving in the Goose and Cucumber last night, loads of women on the dance
floor.
SFX music ‘Like a Virgin’
No
men, they were just stood round watching. They were giving it some, ooh yeah (crude
gestures) gyrating up and down, grinding their hips (does the actions)
it was as if they where doing it ‘doing it’ right there on the dance floor,
underneath they’re clothes ‘doing it’ with big - core - My eyes were nearly
popping of my head!
Well that's what May day's
all about in’it. Lasses dancing round poles, I mean it's meant to be a symbol
in’it, - isn’t it, meant to be a big dick. They weren’t looking at me – What’s
- all that flesh about? It's like a meat market.
‘Hi? - Hello, (cool)
Hello there… (goes over to toilet.)
Brother-in-law: Piss off creep.
LX and SFX stop.
LX lights normal.
What makes them so FUCKING
choosy. It does my head in!
(Picks up shirt again,
sits down.) Blood, no buttons. Must have been in a fight, (Thinking.)
Either that or some woman got ‘lucky’ and ripped my shirt off, (Pause)
but the blood? How come the blood? I
best sew some more buttons on. It's either that or a trip down the laundrette
to do the washing - can't handle that at the best of times (head rotates in
imitation - mimes being sick. Searches round finds buttons, etc starts
sewing.) I always keep these little packets you get with a shirt, come in
handy. (There’s a needle already threaded and he makes an attempt to sew on
a button.) Got a box of them here.
When we got back to Pete's
and we smoked all the blow he had, but Pete; - ‘y I’m watching the tellies; I
remember; And right in the middle of a sentence, Pete says, “All women are…
then zonk - out like a light. It made me laugh. I laughed out loud – but it’s
echo made me realise I was on my own. There might of been two Pete's but both
fast asleep on the settee.
I couldn't focus on the
telly but these men were angry. They hung this man from a tree. first they - they
punched him till he fell down, then they kicked all the wind out of him. Then
they put a rope round his neck and dragged him for miles. Then, they brought
him round again – by slapped his face. Then they strung him up. The image of
him dancing around on the end of the rope… (pause) I couldn't
concentrate on just one, there were three of them - spinning - round and round
and round…
Why… (Pause) do
people do that..?
I walked back.
LX two spot lights on cyc wall.)
The
streets are so empty now. Pitch black between the lamps... It was raining, I’m
wearing Pete’s jacket. (Gets jacket and puts it on.) I couldn’t afford
the taxi; I’m not bother about the walking through red-light district. I was to
far gone by then anyway, (pause)
That lass thought I was a creep – I remember thinking about that.
LX Xfade spot light window.
I don't even want to see
people, anyway. Me, I look at them in the street out the window. See them
underneath me. I get to thinking, like them. I look at – faces – the expression
they make with their mouths and they’re cold eyes.
‘Do they want to speck, to
me? Then I think what if ‘they’ want me to speak to them? What if they ‘judge’ me. What ever, I say
wont be ‘enough’, or it'll be too much. It’s so stupid really, I can say what I want but - I just don't –
You know, it's the way they look at
you, up and down. - That scares me to be honest. - that gives me the creeps,
wondering what they see…
Brother-in-law. (‘Low Grown’)
Mat
Day: (…comes
out of a trance.) Can you hear that? That horrible hollow sound? That's,
Me. That's the sound of my stomach, I need to eat. (Goes out into kitchen
and returns with a pasty and mug of tea.) You get used to not having any
money. I can live on fifty pence a week me.
I'm dead thrifty. I buy these pasties from the wholesalers, I've got a
fridge full of 'em, it works out at about eighteen ‘p’ each, plus vat (stuffs
his mouth with pasty, sits back down, opens can).
Don't know how I got home
last night, there's nothing too unusual about that. Should be more careful
really, that time of night, empty streets. Never know what kind of weirdo's
lurk. Specially round here. – perverts, rapists the lot.
He's gone quiet (indicates
toilet) Not that I'm complaining, make the most of it. (Listens.)
Would you believe it, the git with the Nintendo's having a rest too - more good
news. (Listens again) Eh up, looks like the phantom cougher stopped and
that T.V. well then, wonders will never cease. (Picks up paper)
First
time I've had any peace. (Sits and puts blooded shirt on table, Starts
reading, ‘tut-tuting’ then voice from behind paper) Would you look at that,
another MP ‘exposed’, up to his neck in it - on one of his business lunch,
seedy flat, champagne, meet me under the clock, hooker, claim it on expenses, bogus receipts, bondage, hand
relief, wants to be mayor of
London. Oh yes, Tosser. That's where all our taxes go,
disgusting in’t it?
SFX Car revs up.
Brother-in-law. Comes out of toilet.
SFX toilet flush.
I thought it was too good to
last. (Mat does not look at the Brother-in-law but knows that he is coming
out the toilet so goes over to the window without fear and opens
it.) Ow you! (Pointing back.)
SFX Car Radio “News on
the hour, with Jane Hill, reports are coming in that a young women as been
attacked in the early hours of this morning. The women believed to be local,
was found by police, thought to be the victim of serious attack. . .
(Mat: I bet it's one of those
psychos from the estate.)
. . .she was returning home
after a night out with friend, at a rave party. Dub the 'May Day’ attack,
police are looking for a man. . .
(Mat: Bloody hell it's not safe
is it.)
. . .in his mid to late
twenties, wearing a grey sports bomber jacket. The attack took place in an ally
backing onto Old School lane. . .
(Mat: That's the way
I walked back.)
. . .police are appealing
for any witnesses.
in other news the pound as
drop to a all time low (anything to tail off.)
Mat
Day:
(Shuts window
and feel chest) Lucky it wasn't
me, I… (Pulls hand out and looks at scratches on chest, turns to
brother-in-law, who as found the blooded shirt and holds it up to the light.
Mat remembers everything that happen last night, throws back his head; about to
cry out…
SFX Road drill over 10”, LX
fast DBO. when established. SFX “SOS” Morse code with heartbeat sound
over 5” LX fade up. SFX music “Look what I found in my beer.”
Beautiful South. LX Full lights, Line up, bows SFX music till
end.
The End.