Beloved
Enemies
Radio
Sitcom
New
beginning, new endings.
Joe
Ogden based on Karl Dalas’s radio play, based on Joe Ogden’s original play.
20
sec fade in.
Roxanne:
(Muted) I told ya, I love ya, now get out!
Mumbles
from Joey.
Roxanne:
You heard me! Get out!
Mumbles
from Joey.
Perry:
(To himself) what’s going in down there?
Sounds
of footsteps in stairs as we follow Perry down.
Roxanne:
Don’t you sweetie me, you two-timing…
Perry:
Roxanne! Ex-cuse Me! What’s all this noise about?
Roxanne.
I’m chucking Joey. AND ANOTHER THING!
Joey:
(Muted) Yeah, what?
Perry:
Are ether of you using the kitchen?
Roxanne:
YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT I’M ON ABOUT!
Joey:
(Muted) haven’t the faintest idea!
Perry:
Why are you shouting through the kitchen door?
Roxanne:
He barred the door with a boom or some’et.
Perry:
(Knocking on the serving hatch) I want to know if I can use the kettle!
Joey:
(Open the hatch) Tell her I don’t know what she’s talking about!
Perry:
Why don’t you come out here and talk sense?
Roxanne
and Joe (together): What! With him/her?
Joey
slam shut the hatch.
Perry:
Can I come in!
Joey:
(Muted) Dunno
Roxanne:
Why don’t you try knocking? I’ve had enough.
Perry:
(Bangs on the door.) Don’t pretend there’s isn’t anyone in there?
Roxanne:
WELL ANYWAY!
Joey
(Opening the hatch, hostile): Anyway what?
Roxanne:
It’s obvious we can’t go on the way we’ve been doing.
Joey:
(Sadly) Why not, you love me.
Perry:
Excuse me.
Roxanne:
What now, Perry.
Joey:
Can’t you see we’re trying to have a private conversation, here?
Perry: Yes, Well I am sorry, it must be difficult with you in
the kitchen, hanging out the serving hatch and you shouting your head off in
the lounge.
Joey:
HELL, HELL! (Slams shut the hatch, Muted) hell, hell.
Roxanne:
That it, he’s pulled down the shutters.
Perry:
Sorry?
Roxanne:
Wanted to get engaged, pulls down the shutter, doesn’t listen…
Joey:
(Opens the shutters) Yes I do, so what’s your solution?
Perry: We really need a kettle in each room, and an extra loo…ar
you mean for you and Roxanne…
Joey.
Yes… I do mean Roxanne and me.
Perry:
Got ya – but I need a cupper, it’s URGENT.
Roxanne: So it this Perry. (To Joey) Joey, I want you out of my
room, today, if now sooner.
Joey:
Our room, I move in the same day you did.
Roxanne.
But you pays the rent? Muggings here.
Joey:
But where will I sleep?
Roxanne: Ain’t my problem kid. Kip down at your precious Valley
Parade, or the ‘City Gents’ why don’t you?
Joey:
So that’s it.
Roxanne.
Yep.
Joey:
Yep. (closes the hatch.)
Parry:
What should we do now.
Roxanne:
About what for god sake?
Perry:
About the Kettles, I need a cupper!
Roxanne.
Just knock on the door Perry – don’t be sad all you petty life.
Ram
enters.
Ram:
What’s matter Perry, someone in there?
Roxanne:
Yeah, Someone’s in there.
Perry.
That someone in there won’t come out!
Ram. Okay- who can it be? – well, by a process of elimination,
it’s not any of us. So that only leaves…
Roxanne:
Could it be – Marie? Maybe?
Ram:
Why not? She’s always in the bathroom for hours, doing girly things…
Roxanne:
Sexist Pig.
Ram:
…Doing girly things. So why not the kitchen?
Parry:
It’s Joey! – AND I WANT A CUPPER!
Ram:
Well Perry, Roxanne my friends “I’ve got a cunning plan.” A brilliant idea.
Roxanne
and Perry (together): Not Now!
Parry:
No wonder they called you, ‘Ram the Scam’ and they never work.
Ram:
Unless it’s an idea about how we can get a cup of coffee.
Roxanne:
Don’t bother talking to Joey about it, ‘cos he’s going!
Parry:
It’s because he’s not leaving we have to follow ram’s plan. – What is the plan?
Ram: Here, two mug, almost clean. To packets of instant coffee
with milk powder from the “Job Club” - Parry go to the bathroom and fill the
mugs with water.
Parry:
Will do.
Sound
of running up stairs.
Roxanne:
Bathroom water, that’s disgusting.
Ram: Well I wasn’t offering you any – it’s your boyfriend
barricaded in the kitchen – in which case, I would like to borrow your –
Hairdryer, there a love.
Roxanne: I’m not your love, Pal and the last time you touched my
hairdryer – Mister ‘I can improve it ten fold’ – I switched it on it shoot out
of my hand and smashed the bathroom window – arced a mile and half, up into a
moon lit sky – only to land in Centenary square and setting fire to the Lord
‘godalmighty’ Mayor’s limo. And this is
the corker - the only thing to survive was the brass plate – you put on – with
my name and address on written in indelible ink!…
Ram:
the Mayor still got two of his limo’s…
Parry:…mugs
of water Ram.
Ram:
Hairdryer?
Roxanne:
Men are unbelievable – anything for a quiet life.
Ram:
Right stand the mugs in the metal ashtray – those books ether side…
Roxanne:
One hairdryer…
Ram:
One hairdryer between the book - plug in – and der-dr. As the dryer blast heat
up to the ash try, it gets hot and wolar warm the water for coffee.
Perry:
That quite clever, that is, for you Ram.
Sound
of Marie waking down stairs.
Maria:
What’s all the noise about? The door’s jammed. Who’s in the kitchen?
Perry:
Work it out Maria.
Ram:
Well, you see.
Maria. :Joey, autographed Bradford city programme, V Leeds,
Charity cup ’86 semmies.
Sound
of door opening then shutting.
Perry:
She’s only bloody gone in, hasn’t she? Making coffee.
Roxanne: Joey, I’m next to the door, love, I need you out of my
room, now Joseph, no ifs or buts.
Sound
of door open.
Maria:…and
he scored in the last minute of extra time…
Roxanne:
Joey you’re not going to score with me again, the last whistle blown, Joey!
Ram:
He let her get a glass of milk?
Sound
of door closing.
Maria:
Did you know someone’s taken the loo seat.
Ram:
Who would do a thing like that?
Roxanne :I’m afraid it was Joey, he says he bought it and if he
leaves so does it. I wish you would just go Joey, we don’t work any more. Look
I have to be hard with you now. If you don’t go and clear out the room of your
things I’m going to throw your stuff out the window, which includes your
posters.
Parry:
You’ll never get the windows in this house open, they’ve been painted shut…
Joey:
(Muted) Who’s side are you on Perry – us single lads have got to stick
together.
Parry:
Sorry, but until you move out no one can use the kitchen.
Roxanne: DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU. (she goes) Here go the
posters, for a start.
Sound
of door opening and Paper tearing.
Joey:
‘Ere! Stop her, someone, no don’t do that… Not the posters. Please don’t.
Sound
of different door slamming muffled voices.
Ram:
Coffee ready…
Perry: Poor sod! And sod that coffee I’m going to make a proper
one – IN THE KITCHEN.
Joey:
(Muted) Where am I going to sleep, if you kick me out?
Sound
of door opening.
Roxanne:
I don’t care where you sleep, or who with, for that matter!
Joey:
Please Roxanne.
Parry:
That’s the kettle on at last.
Ram:
You can kip down out here, if you like.
Joey:
On the sofa? You must be joking, it’s got more lumps and bumps…
Roxanne: And who put then there, I may ask. Snogging away when
you were supposed to be at football training.
Joey:
That’s libels.
Perry: No actually, that’s slander – Now, libel has got to be in print,
as the law goes.
Joey: Well thank-you, over and out, Mr Perry Mason! I’ll let you
know. What are you doing? Is that my...
Roxanne. Your precious Play-station. Now I’ll be able to watch Corrie
instead watching you giggling your joystick, tong out, ogling that tart in Tomb
Raider…
All
the man: (Take in a sharp breath, she’s not she’s wow.)
Roxanne:
Well she is.
Joey: Roxanne – I know Roxanne, Why did you think I wanted to
make an honest women of you, I know your going to have our baby!
Roxanne:
You what!?
Joey: I found the pregnancy testing kit – used , and it was
positive, it was behind the sink.
Roxanne:
Not mine!
Marie:
It’s mine.
Roxanne:
Marie your not…?
Ram:
You having a sprog?
Marie: No – My pal Louise, she was worried so gave me a sample to test.
It’s quite definite. She’s just sixteen.
Roxanne,
Joey and Perry:Poor girl/cow/lass.
Ram: Oh, I dunno, I might be about to make her a millionaire. Ask her
if she’s planning to bottle-feed?
All:
Oh Rammie!
Marie:
Should them books be on fire?
Ram:
OH NO I LEFT THE HAIRDRYER ON!
All:
Ram!
Roxanne:
What am I going to do?
THE
END.