Beloved Enemies

Radio Sitcom

Goldfish:

By Joe Ogden.

Joey: . . . I love setting here watching Bob.

Perry: ‘Y me too.

Joey: Look at him going around and around.

Perry: Yeah. (Pause) but who’s the guy with the wet suite?

Joey: Well that’s his friend.

(Pause)

Perry: Oh.

Joey: There he goes. . .

Perry: Oh yeah. (Pause) what’s the castle for?

Joey: That’s where he live.

Perry: So you call your Goldfish Bob, he has a friend you wears a wet suite and lives in a ruined underwater castle.

Joey: well I was trying to recreate its natural habitat?

Perry: Oh (pause) why would Goldfish need castles?

Joey: Well I don’t know! Here. . .

Sound of Perry looking in draws.

Perry: not a poem?

Joey: ‘Oh fish of gold that swims in a bowled shaped. . . – err I’m still working in this bit – ‘swims in a bowled shape bowl. You once lead a mob of fish. . .

Perry: It’s a school. . .

Joey: E?

Perry: School of fish.

Joey: Are you sure?

Perry: yes.

Joey: blast.

Perry: well go on!

Joey: ‘you once -You once lead a ‘mob’ of fish – that’s why I called you Bob the king goldfish.’ - Are you sure it’s a school?

Perry: Yep – Coffee?

Joey: Please. . .

Next scene.

Roxanne: (On phone.) Well I don’t know how long he’s going to stay here. . . (Sound phone talk.)No, I don’t mind – Sorry – no it’s just that its hard to bring back friends here. . .

Knock at door.

. . .What, I’m on the phone?

Joey: (through door.) What do you called goldfish that swim together?

Roxanne: Mugs!

Joey: What?

Roxanne: if this is one of your metaphors to get us back together you can forget it!

Joey: what!

Roxanne: I told him to forget it. – Go away! – where were we? (talk to fade.)

Sound walking up stairs, then knock on door. Door opens.

Ram: Hello?

Joey: What do you call a group of goldfish?

Ram: er – Carp, I think? (Pause) er – what do you think of this? Well come in.

Sound of a door opening.

Joey: Wow – never been in here before.

Ram: Well what do you think?

Joey: big room.

Sound tapping a wall chart.

Ram: I’ve never shown any one this before.

Joey: Anyone what – exactly?

Ram: (aloud) this is my empire!

Joey: Mr Tanweer’s not going to be very pleased…

Ram: What’s the landlord got to do with it?

Joey: Well it’s his furniture for a start.

Ram: Not the furniture, this chart!

Joey: wow, what all of it. – it’s a big bit a paper that.

Ram: It’s what’s on it the counts – a week by week chart to success!

Joey: Oh (pause) this started in June 98 – the month you got kick out of university…

Ram: They, don’t know genius when they see it.

Joey: ‘y I know – and they kicked you out – disgusting.

(pause)

Ram: (annoyed) yes…

Joey: Oh look this week you become the M D of a ‘blue chip’ company.

Ram: okay I’m running a bit behind time…

Joey: ‘y your dole cheque was late this week, too.

Ram: I gonna start - next week – Sign off, Monday morning 9am…

Joey: you mean ‘y going to get up an hour sooner to start this empire of yours?

(pause)

Ram: (Downbeat) Happen.

Joey: Big step.

Ram: Maybe the week after that?

Perry: (Shouting from down stairs) Coffee Joey!

Joey: Happen – got to go now.

Next Scene.

Sounds of drinking coffee.

Perry: It’s a myth you know – (takes a drink)

Joey: What is – (takes a drink)

Perry: About Goldfish.

(pause)

Joey: What about Goldfish?

Perry: - chocy biscuit? –

Joey: Please. – What about Goldfish?

Perry: (mouth full of biscuit) Dat they drink a lot. I mean - you know, in that mug of coffee, You have probably of drunk more then Bob ever will.

Joey: that’s true.

Perry: (unsure) Well – you know, it’s only a guess?

Joey: It’s true – Bob, the Goldfish, he’s never had coffee in his bowl.

(Pause)

Perry: What?

Joey: Well___ might not like it?

Perry: Oh (Pauses – sounds of drinking coffee.) I wish you wouldn’t dunk your biscuit in your coffee like that! – Oh look it’s fallen in now.

Joey: ‘cor – It’ll float to the top – yep there it goes (drinks coffee)

Perry: Err – he’s drinking it.

Joey: Lovely.

Perry: You know in a house like this a canary would be your better choice of pet.

Joey: why?

Perry: Well miners used to keep them. . .

Joey: No – that was racing pigeons! And wapitis!

Perry: No – they would take then down the pit, with them.

Joey: what wapitis?

Perry: No – canaries.

Joey: That sound dangerous?

Perry: could be fatal. . .

(pause)

Joey: Well? I?

Perry: . . . If there was mine gas the canary would die and the miners knew they had to get out quick!

(pause)

Joey: And they would do this for a hobby?

Perry: No?

Joey: And what do the RSPCA have to say about it?

Perry: nothing? – they don’t do that now.

Joey: I should think not – why would we need a canary?

Perry: Well – just look at that gas fire if it was giving out toxic gas the bird would die and we would be able to get out in time – ‘cos when did it last get checked out.

Joey: don’t know?

Perry: it has to be done – by law – once a year. I’ve been here three years – and nothing. . .

Joey: (thinking he’s finishing off Perry sentence) - as gone wrong (pause) yet.

Perry: We’ll! - I’m going to see the landlord about it tomorrow about it!

Joey: ‘y ‘cos he’s coming for the rent arrears.

Perry: (quickly) Then I won’t. – Second coffee, me thinks. (from kitchen) do you want one!

Joey: Y.

Sound front door slamming

Maria: Hello in kitchen, Oh hello you – still here Joey?

Joey: Y – Perry thinks we should get a canary, so that we can gas it.

Maria: Yes’ well – young men need an interest – it’s cold out.

Perry: (walks back into room) Hi women2 kettles on – that smells good.

Maria: Fish and chips – Why Perry are you wanting to share?

Men3: Don’t mind.

Joey: You can’t?

Maria: Why not. . .

Perry: Why do you want some?

Joey: NO – it’s the fish.

Perry: What?

Joey: Not in front of BOB!

Maria and Perry: JOEY!

The End.