Radio
Sitcom
Degree
Absolute
By
Joe Ogden
Second
draft
Mr Tanweer: Have
you finished in the bathroom I need to inspect it. I need to fix that broken
window. And I need some rent off you.
Joey
(Through a door): No___!
Mr Tanweer: You
need to pay even if you sleep on the Sofa…
Joey
(Through a door): There’s a Problem____
Mr Tanweer: There’s
a cue forming out here! – (High voice) – Joey come on we need bathroom.
(Deep voice) E-up I could do with the bathroom Joey.
Joey: That’s just
you that is__ there’s a bit of a problem.
Mr Tanweer: (High
voice) I so late for work and its so cold out here. (Deep voice) Ya
cold! (Normal voice) See there’s a cue, there not my voices. (High
voice.) I really need… (Sounds of foot steps running up stairs) …to do
girl things, like save my legs and wax…
Maria: (Coughs)
Do go on don’t let me stop you.
Mr Tanweer: (To
her): Wax in my ears! – Oh Very bad, very terrible earwax, cotton buds, (blows
a ‘phew’.) You know e-everyday girl things! A-And things boys do too.
Maria: Have you
knocked?
Mr Tanweer: No.
Maria: Then knock.
Mr Tanweer: But…
Maria: Just knock
at the door.
Mr Tanweer: But…
Maria: Knock!
Sound FX Knocking
on door.
Maria: We need the
Bathroom Joey!
Joey: Nothing like
her, Maria’s voice is more like parrot - being strangled!
Enter Ram.
Maria: Open this
door now!
Ram: What are you
two doing here.
Maria: Oh hello
Ram. We’re waiting for the bathroom!
Mobile phone rings.
Maria: Do tell me
you keep your phone in your Pyjamas?
Ram: One of them.
Maria: Well answer
it then…
Ram: On yes… hullo
this is… ya- ya – oh yah. (Shape in-take of breath) That is a problem… (shut
down phone) Problem… (Sucks in breath).
Maria: Who was it?
Ram: Joey.
Maria: But…
Mr Tanweer: It
can’t be him, he’s locked in the bathroom.
Ram: it’s Joey,
he’s stuck in the bathroom.
Maria: He phoned
you from the bathroom? How?
Ram: From my phone
– t-the other phone – one of them.
Mr Tanweer: You
have phones but don’t pay rent?
Ram: Er, tomorrow.
Maria: (Hammers
on door) Look, stop playing silly beggars and open this door. NOW! (To
the boys) that’ll put the fear of god up him.
Ram: You might say
he’s already frozen, with er, fear.
Perry enters.
Perry: Ey - Right –
I thought I could hear Miss Public-address system. Coldest day in 20 year and
you two are standing on the landing; And mr Tanweer; rent tomorrow – Noon. Er
grand pair of jarmers ‘y got there Ram.
Ram: Thanks, there
just M and S.
Perry: wouldn’t fit
me then, I take X–L!
Maria: He’s got a
phone in ‘em.
Perry: Really -
Twenty first century technology, Can’t beat it. Well, I need the loo – I don’t
care who’s next (Pause, Ram and Maria sight.) So what’s ‘hod-up’?
Ram whispers to
Perry. Perry laughs.
Maria: What are you
saying?
Perry: Maria have
you got your hair-dryer there.
Maria: Why?
Perry: And that
comb with the metal handle.
Maria: Here – don’t
break em or… or we’ll have to buy another.
Perry: Stand back
‘Mast-ter’ at work. Set faces to stun!
Sound of a lock
opening.
Perry: Da-dar!
Door Creaks open
Mr Tanweer, Ram and
Maria: (Shocked sounds) Oh…
Joey: Oh_ crap!
Fade
down.
Roxanne: (On
phone, Sound ‘Phone Chatter’.): …well we got Joey unfrozen. I didn’t know
what to expect next. There he was, stuck to the seat with nothing to cover his
embarrassment apart from last week’s News of the World… No the colour
supplement. He can’t sit down without his ring thing. He’s in the livinroom
now, laid face down on the sofa…(Pause) up in the air. . . as a two bar
electric fire…(Pause) Well the plumber coming around later this morning. I hope
there in… (Fade down.)
Joey’s
sofa. Music Xfade.
Joey: (Fade up, he
is talking to himself.) That’s it… I can hear them… I can here them, scratching
eating, in the wood. Oh god this settee’s got – termites, Yuk. Stop it you
little sods! I hate this; I hate this! I hate this! – get up, put the radio on,
I can’t hear them with ‘Football Forecast yes.
Sound
Radio News – ‘…coldest week in 20 year and the only match to survive the
fixture list this weekend is London academicals V (Pause) Norwich, which we are
not able to bring you. So keep warm stay by the radio at BCB. While we bring
you the music of the Pan-Pipes.’
Joey: What the
hell? BCB!? Who’s BEEN MESSING WITH MY RADIO? Where’s the tunings knob gone?
Pan – frozen – Pipes more like, off! (Radio goes off) Bloody Pan-Pips (Pause)
Board, board, board (Sits, sound of sofa creaking) I’ve just sat down, I’m
board AND IN PAIN!
Sound
Ding-Dong door bell.
Joey: (In some
pain) Rammy, get that!
Sound Ding-Dong.
Joey: Maria – will
you get that!
Sound Ding-Dong,
Ding-Dong.
Joey: DO I HAVE TO
DO EVERY THING IN THIS HOUSE!
Sound of opening a
window.
Joey: What you
want!
Sound Ding-dong.
Joey: UP HERE,
SECOND WINDOW ALONG – THE LIVINGROOM, UP HERE – WHAT DO YOU WANT.
Plumber: (Man
with Mummerset accent) Are you the one with the frozen Stop-COCK sir?
Joey: Who told
you!?
Plumber: Landlord
sir…
Joey: WHO!
Plumber: Your
landlord…
Joey: How many more
people are going to know. – EVERYONE I FROZE TO THE TOILET SEAT! – I suppose
you’ve come to laugh – go on then laugh – Ho ho ho. Laugh, go on laugh…
Plumber: No sir I’m
the plumber – the landlord sent me – I sorry to here about your problem then.
Joey: Oh - I’ll get the door then…
Sounds of getting
in dressed.
Joey mutters about
what he’s just told the street.
Joey: Where’s my
rubber Ring, (Sound Squeak of rubber.) That’s better.
Sounds of Joey walking
down stairs, sound squeaking has he walks.
Joey: What are you
doing here Perry? You could of got the door.
Perry: Oh no go
away, go away – fingers in my ears – I don’t here you … Shush. Joey get back
before you’re seen.
Joey: Who’ll see
me? And why ‘y sat against the door?
Perry: Out there is
someone I don’t want you to see.
Joey: Too late.
Why.
Perry: We met at a
disco – gave the chat – couldn’t hear a thing. Wasn’t till I was outside – I
realised there was something wrong…
Joey: You didn’t noticed
until you were outside? You bet there was something wrong.
Perry: One crazy -
Human!
Joey: What type of
nightclub was this? Cos’ I never knew you were… you know.
Perry: What a
dancer; well I’ve been around a bit.
Joey: Dancer?
Sound Ding-Dong.
Perry: (Hushed)
Must of got my address.
Joey: Didn’t the
beard give it away?
Perry: What? No…
Joey: Okay, I’ll
sort this out.
Perry: Thanks. I
owe you one… What’s that hanging out the back of you pants?
Joey: Oh- Go!
Sounds of footsteps
on stairs. Sound of door opening.
Plumber:
I thought you’d forgotten me sir…
Joey:
My friends made a mistake…
Plumber:
I’m sorry to hear that sir…
Joey:
that doesn’t sound convincing…
Plumber:
Well I’m ‘truly’ sorry sir?
Joey: My friend
would never knowingly chat up a-a? – What is that outfit – Plumber? A bit too
Village People for my liking – corny, I suppose that tool bag’s an accessory?
Plumber:
No sir? A necessity.
Joey:
Look my friend doesn’t go for man in beards…
Plumber: I don’t
think I’ll run away with your friend then sir. Now may I come in and see…
Joey:
No.
Plumber:
But…
Joey:
No__go.
Plumber:
Sir, may I ask one question, of you?
Joey:
No, yes, what?
Plumber:
What that blue rubber thing sticking out back of your trousers, sir?
Joey:
Just go.
Plumber:
Wol - I wouldn’t want to be chatted-up by your special friend. So I think it
would be prudent. I’ll go sit in my van, wol things settle down. Get out my
thermos, sir.
Sound
of Closing door.
Joey:
thermos? – pervert.
Next
scene.
Roxanne:
When are you going to get a place of you own?
Joey:
When hell freezer over!
Roxanne:
(Cold) Berr – Oh good next week – At this rate. When you go do forget to
write.
Joey:
I still pay rent!
Roxanne:
Yes one fifth of a three-seater settee. And one half of that’s got wood rot.
Joey:
Well you know what they say, better to die on your feet…
Roxanne:
Then sit down with your Jacksay…
Joey:
Rox-anne! - I’ve got a poem for you!
Roxanne:
Oh please you haven’t…
Joey:
“You May be a women, but you treat me like a wo’rm –
Roxanne:
Oh god?
Joey: “You” –
that’s you – “You want me out of this house, and greet me like a louse.”
Roxanne:
Do shut up!
Joey: “However she
will see…” That’s you again “That I’m no house mouse. – I am in fact the house moose!”
Roxanne:
“Well if he don’t vamoose – I shell let my fist fly loose.”
Joey:
I’m going because I need to write more - Philistine... (He goes.)
Roxanne:
Get out of it!
Enter
Perry.
Perry:
Hi Joey.
Joey:
By the way, I’d watch her mate.
Perry:
His she still out there?
Roxanne:
Who Perry?
Joey:
She’s way out there – Philistine!
Perry:
Told you she was bonkers.
Roxanne:
Who you calling bonkers?
Perry:
Felicia who ever?
Sound
of some one coming down stair.
Enter
Ram.
Ram:
He’s still there, the plumber, lazy sod.
Roxanne:
Who?
Perry:
Joey says she’s still out there, she’s Bonkers.
Roxanne:
Well I can only see the plumber’s van.
Joey:
His boyfriend! In the van, I sent him packing!
Perry:
My…?
Ram:
…boy…?
Roxanne:
…friend?
Ram,
Perry and Roxanne: You’re bonkers!
Joey:
Who is?
(Sound
off people on stairs.)
Plumber: (Mummer
set accent.)… Wol we lived in a house, where lounge were on the second
floor.
Mr
Tanweer: This is because of shop downstairs, here they are.
Plumber: Whor? I’d
watch him, him with the rubber with in is trousers – he be mad, him.
Joey:
I’m going, I may be some time!
Ram,
Perry and Roxanne: Who are you?
Mr
Tanweer: He’s the plumber! He’s been out there most of the morning.
Plumber: I’ve been
keep’in the engine running, to keep me warm. I got told your pips were frozen.
– Where do you what me to start?
Pause.
Ram,
Perry, Mr Tanweer and Roxanne: The bathroom!
Plumber:
where is it?
All:
Follow us!
Sounds
of walking up stairs, knocking on a door.
Plumber:
I need to get in to fix the pipes.
Ram:
Yes come on.
Perry:
We need to get in.
Roxanne:
Come on out.
Sound
of wimpers.
Roxanne:
It’s Joey, he’s…
Sound
phone rings.
Pause.
Ram:
he says he’s – STUCK!
All:
Not again!
The
End.